MUST READ! The Victim Control Dynamic

I, like many, have been in caught in the true victim role of the Victim Control Dynamic. The reason I say “true victim” is because in this dynamic, there is a “true victim” and a “false victim.” This is because the real perpetrator PRETENDS to be a victim, making the REAL victim out to be “the perpetrator.” This is a highly effective way to manipulate someone, gain control over her, and in the most drastic scenarios, ruin her emotional, social, and psychological well-being. Therefore, I highly recommend that you read this blog all the way through. Fortunately, this hasn’t happened to me personally more than 3 times in my life.

A few months ago, I was listening to Teal Swan’s podcast on shuffle as I did volunteer work at an ashram. Her episode about “Victim Control Dynamic” came on, and I realized that is exactly what an abusive ex from a few years ago put me in. I thought to myself, well, now I know. I definitely won’t let THAT happen again. But, ironically, a few months later, I found myself caught in this dynamic again when I hadn’t been in years! This time the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” was someone who was a facilitator in my spiritual community, which really surprised and disturbed me, but I suppose it goes to show that EVERYONE has work to do, even the "spiritual."

I had already been planning on creating a website and a blog, and had already created several rough drafts on different topics written. Right after this happened, I threw all my other drafts aside and knew I HAD to write this one ASAP. My intent is to educate you about this dynamic so that you can 1) know what it looks like and protect yourself from it, 2) if you have been a victim of it, learn where it comes from so that you can forgive, have compassion for your ex-manipulator, and heal, 3) if you are one who HAS BEEN MANIPULATING others, gain awareness so that you can do your shadow work and change.

The victim control dynamic is a control tactic, a way to manipulate and control another to make oneself feel more “powerful.” The person employing this type of manipulation is typically unaware of it. We know that our subconscious mind controls over 90% of our behavior. The person who uses this control tactic does so unconsciously to get his needs for personal power, attention, and a sense "goodness" met indirectly, because he feels he can not get them met directly.

It is hard for the manipulator to be aware that he is manipulating, because the feelings behind his manipulation are real for him. This is why using this type of manipulation often becomes a pattern, and he moves through his life oblivious as to why he can’t manifest and sustain real healthy relationships. The psychology behind those who use this tactic on others is this: they did not have their needs met as children, and may have been victimized as children. Their subconscious minds learned: “I can’t get my needs met directly, so I have to get them met indirectly by creating scenarios where I am the victim.” How sad! I believe this is common because MANY kids have these unmet needs.

Here's how the manipulation works: It two parts. First the manipulator invents a story of his “own” victimhood. This story will be quite a stretch, but nonetheless he crafts it and then tries to sell it to his real victim--trying to convince her that she is the “real perpetrator.” This can be extremely confusing for the real victim, and the real victim, (especially if she isn't educated about this dynamic), will have the natural "WTF?! response," and will most likely get upset and protest by saying something along the lines of, “no, I didn’t do that. Why are you accusing me of something I didn’t do?!”

But in this dynamic, protesting is a mistake for the real victim, because the manipulator WANTS the real victim to argue so that he can use it to fuel his own argument. The manipulator will respond to the real victim’s reaction by saying “You are huuuuurting me by arguing with me,” and will try and make her feel guilty, as a way to get her to conform to whatever he wants.

When the manipulator is able to get the real victim to “give up” and apologize for whatever it is that she didn't even do, the manipulator has “won”, and now has more leverage to use against her later; he can then say, “well you DID actually do (whatever the claim is)... after all…you apooologized for it the other day…” The manipulator wants to convince the real victim that she has wronged him in some way to make her feel guilt and shame.

The next part of this dynamic occurs when the manipulator tries to turn others against the real victim. This part doesn't always happen, but when it does, it can be traumatic. Turning people against the real victim is easy if the manipulator's story is convincing, because humans are naturally conditioned to side with whoever is the "perceived" underdog. The manipulator looks for ways to make the real victim react, so that he can point at her and say, “See! Look at how reactive she is! She MUST have anger problems…” (making him look like the poor underdog and she the monster). Real victims of this dynamic have, in the most extreme cases, committed suicide, because it can be so damaging psychologically when their reality gets flipped upside down and people they trusted turn against them, out of no where, with no explanation. In these dynamics the real victim might eventually start to think, if EVERYONE thinks I did this thing that I don’t remember doing, AM I really losing it?”---which can literally make her go mad.

The more people the manipulator can get on his side, the more powerful he feels, the more of his own sense of “goodness” he feels, the more attention he gets, and therefore the more his subconscious needs are being met. So he will continue to do this, leaving a trail of victims and stacking up bad karma, without even questioning what he is doing.

If you eyes are big as you read this, don't worry there is hope.

WAYS YOU CAN TELL if a manipulator is putting you in this dynamic:

1) You notice the person creates dramas easily out of thin air.

2) He overly-exaggerates and use extreme words such as "always," and "never."

2) He seems to be hunting for verbal apologies, yet no matter how much you apologize or try to make amends for whatever you have been accused of, it is not good enough for him. He continues exaggerating to build more stories of how you “wronged” him, almost to the point where you don’t even know what he wants from you. (When this happened to me I kept asking "What do you want me to do?" and couldn't get an answer, which is a red flag.)

4) His stories don’t make sense or are inconsistent. One minute he tells his story one way, the next minute he contradicts what he just said.

5) He has trouble coming up with actual evidence that you did anything to wrong. Because of this he might resort to saying things like “I just know it because I feel it.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO if you find yourself caught on the receiving end of this dynamic:

1) According to Teal Swan, if you find yourself in this dynamic you can expose it by saying, “I feel like you are making me feel guilty or ashamed to control me and to make yourself look like the victim so that these people will defend you against me or so that I will do what you want, and I feel like you are being really unfair.”

2) If it is someone who you can easily and gracefully cut out of your life now that you know their true colors, you can of course do so. If it is someone you have to live with, like a family member, talking to a trusted (and qualified) professional who is versed in this kind of behavior would be best so that you have support in creating a plan to deal with it.

3) If you are a kid and you are in this kind of dynamic, I suggest talking to a school counselor or teacher about it. If one adult doesn't know how to help you, keep asking until you find one.

4) If possible, objectively try to record the conversations you have with the person you think has put you in a victim control dynamic (maybe on a voice memo app)--even if you have to do it in secret. That way you can review it at a later time when your head is clear, and/or take it to a professional to get a second opinion.

How you can tell if a manipulator has others in this dynamic, and is trying to GET YOU TO SIDE with them and turn you against this person:

1) This person gossips a lot or puts others down verbally.

2) This person seems to have a lot of “dramas” playing out in his life that he expresses to you and others about specific people, almost like he is looking for your sympathy or for you to side with him.

3) Trust your intuition; it never lies. When I first met the woman who eventually put me in the victim control dynamic, I noticed something was off about her, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then when I started attending her "more intimate" small women's group events, I found it strange that she often opened them by sharing her personal stories of victimhood and dramas that she had with other women. As much as I tried to slide it under the rug, because after all, she claimed to be a "goddess incarnate" and claimed to "embody Christ Consciousness," it still didn't sit well with me. I often times went home puzzled, discussing with my partner how it could be possible to have so much constant drama in your life and still be "a goddess" "who carries Christ Consciousness." He was better at listening to his intuition than I was in this scenario, because he told me after each time it happened that he thought she had issues. As soon as it was finally my turn to be her real victim, I immediately realized that she had done this to many (which broke my heart), and I regretted not listening to my intuition (or his) sooner.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF ON THE RECEIVING END OF MANIPULATION OFTEN, ask yourself what is it within you that attracts manipulators? I assure you, it isn’t just “bad luck.” You might have issues with wanting to play a “savior” role in others lives. You could ask yourself “Do I tend to take responsibility for other’s problems a lot?” Do I tend to be a push-over? If you do, it makes you an easy target for manipulators.

IF YOU ARE A MANIPULATOR AND PUT PEOPLE IN THIS DYNAMIC

Guess what? YOU CAN CHANGE! I have heard of abusers that have changed! But you have to do your shadow work and your inner child work. What needs weren’t met when you were a child? How can you get them met now in healthy ways? I HIGHLY recommend going to Loving Groups. loving-groups.org That way you CAN get your needs met in healthy ways.

Source: Teal Swan’s Video “Victim Control Dynamic”

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Written by: Pooja Bareis