Say Goodbye To Victim Mentality

Need a New Years resolution that will help you achieve all of your other new years resolutions and finally get out of your own f****** way? Then please read on.

Victim Mentality

According to Wikepedia: "victim mentality is an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances..." The key being: "in the face of contrary evidence." We all experience ourselves as what I call "real victims" of something at some point in our lives--it is part of the human experience. But when there is nothing in our external reality to actually make us "real victims," yet we still perceive ourselves to be victims, we are in victim mentality. Victim mentality can become a viscous cycle. It is easy to get into, hard to break, and keeps us manifesting more of the EXPERIENCE of victimhood, whether or not it is based on something that is real or not. Not to mention, it is extremely rampant in our culture; I have personally encountered coaches, counselors, and even millionaires that are stuck in victim mentality in at least one area of their lives. I bet you can find some too. For example, do you know someone who makes millions of dollars, but can't seem to have a healthy romantic relationship if his life depends on it, no matter how hard he claims he "tries"? If you listen closely to his story, chances are he he will have a lot of "explanations" for his difficulty having a healthy romantic relationship based on his self-perceived victimhood. He may say "women only want me for my money.", "women always cheat..., "I just have bad luck with women." "I'm just meant to be alone..." etc. Notice the theme, that this person perceives himself as being a victim to circumstance, as opposed to taking responsibility for his love life. In this area of his life he has an external locus of control--a low sense of self efficacy; he has forfeited his power to manifest an amazing love life, literally.

I first learned about Victim Mentality in a workshop led by Sharon of Loving Groups, that I highly recommend taking. (For more info please go to loving-groups.org) What I realized as I began to question my inner dialogue in each moment, is that living in victim mentality was a pattern I learned to accept as normal at a young age after watching people BENEFIT from victim mentality, so it took A LOT to snap myself out of it. I had to question every story I told myself. I had to debate myself in each moment, acting as a devils advocate against my ego. I went through a deep period of doing shadow work in this area, and have learned some tricks to snap myself out of this state, as well as some common contributors to the collective victim mentality that I will share with you that you can perhaps avoid to make breaking the cycle easier on yourself.

Exiting the mental state of being in autopilot, to become aware of the thoughts and able to consciously choose them (as opposed to being controlled by them), which non-coincidentally many great spiritual teachers have been teaching for centuries, was the first step for me; I wouldn't be able to catch myself in a mental state of victim mentality if I weren't first observant of my thoughts. Then when I catch myself in a victim-mentality loop, I silently remind myself, "I CREATE MY OWN REALITY THROUGH MY PERCEPTION AND THE MEANING I GIVE TO IT. I CHOOSE TO MAKE EVERYTHING IN MY REALITY A GIFT.

And then I mold my reality to my liking, just like a potter molds clay.

For example, if someone is rude to me, I might initially think, “oh poor me, that person was rude to me. I didn’t deserve that!” BUT, I have the power to notice that victim-mentality thought, and remold it into something more empowering, perhaps by reminding myself that this person is a reflection of a lower vibration they resides within my very being (law of mirroring), and take it as a opportunity to love the person, and therefore love myself. I can further shift my reality by projecting love and compassion into the person, imagining that that he/she is drowning (to help myself get into a space of compassion), thinking “that poor thing!” and then say a Ho’oponopono prayer for him/her.

Another example: Let’s say my significant other is super late for a date we have planned. I could go into victim mentality, creating a “poor me” story in my head such as “why is he aaaaalways so late?” “Does he not value me?” etc, or I could notice that thought, and then remold my experience to my liking—-perhaps by getting lovingly curious about why he may be late (making no assumptions), entering my heart (and exiting my ego while comforting my inner child), and asking how I can best support him. When I do this, my partner is likely to shift himself, sharing his experience and feelings, opening up an opportunity for us to become closer. This is turning water into wine, energetically speaking. When you shift your inner-story, you shift your outer-reality right in front of your eyes.

This is the radical stuff Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene and many other spiritual teachers have taught humanity, and I promise it still WORKS.

Tips to letting go of Victim Mentality and embodying a Conscious Creator Mindset:

1. Take FULL responsibility for EVERYTHING that shows up in your reality. This means no more blaming. This is how you hack the matrix and the subconscious mental patterns that keep you stuck. If your ego “didn’t choose for something to happen,” your Higher Self/selves did! And that is what matters. So trust that it is a gift, no matter how many months or even years it will take for you to realize it.

2. No seriously, STOP BLAMING: I see this a lot in romantic relationships: “I’m unhappy because YOU forgot to ....!” <—-WRONG! The truth is this person is unhappy because she chose to attach to the perceived outcome of her partner doing something that she asked. (Many spiritual teachers teach the importance of non-attachment (aprigraha) for a reason). It’s all too easy to blame something in our external realities for our unhappiness. But when we blame, we have just given up our inner locus of control, and have just forfeited our power as Conscious Creators. We have fallen for the illusion.

3. Reassess what you expose yourself to in your day-to-day environment. Is it conscious or unconscious? What is it programming your psyche to accept as OK? Is it keeping you asleep and a slave to the matrix, or is it helping you to be the greatest version of yourself?

In terms of media, I stopped watching mainstream network TV for 11 years, mainstream movies for about 7 years, and stopped listening to mainstream music for about 3 years now. I’m not saying you have to go to that extent, and I’ve actually heard mainstream media is becoming more conscious, which I hope is true. BUT, you might be surprised at the changes you notice within yourself when you “detox” from any external influences that aren’t adding value to your life. (This includes friends, activities, and other lower-vibrational non-media-related things too.) The only media-related influences I have reintroduced into my psyche are: following inspirational people on social media, watching Gaia.com, and listening conscious music, (although I do benefit from regular social media detoxes.) Also the people I spend time with, the food I ingest, the places I spend time, the activities I spend time doing, etc, I mindfully try to keep as high-vibe as possible. I even cut out alcohol, meat, unclean water, toxic products, and inflammatory foods, all for the purpose of making myself a higher vibration and more pure vessel. (I’m not saying you all should do what I do—that’s not my place—but what I AM saying is it has greatly benefited me personally to question my lifestyle and make changes accordingly.)

A Word on Media

One thing I noticed about sitcoms that you find on mainstream TV channels, (which I discovered only because a cuddle client recently insisted upon watching sitcoms during our cuddle session), is that the plot of many of these shows is based on victim mentality, and the character who has victim mentality almost always gets rewarded for it! Although this makes the show comedic, when we watch it, it also gets programmed into our subconscious’, and then it subconsciously becomes accepted as “OK” for us to get our needs met by playing or exaggerating our victimhood. (P.S. some people even pretend to be victims to gain control over others, for more on that please read my blog titled "MUST READ: The Victim Control Dynamic".) Example: a person is depicted playing sick, lying, or doing something ridiculous to make themself look like a victim (which usually makes us laugh), and they get rewarded for this by successfully getting out of the thing they didn’t want to do (now they don’t have to go on that date they were dreading!—at least for the time being), and/or getting sympathy/affection (Full House anyone?). Another example we know all too well: In a Disney Movie, a princess has her Prince Charming miraculously show up in her life and fall in love with her (rewarded), for being a perceivably “helpless” damsel in distress (victim). Gross!

In mainstream pop music, many songs that have the theme “I’m justified in (insert a maladaptive behavior, i.e. getting drunk, having unprotected sex with a random person, etc.) because “he/she broke my heart!” In a few country songs I heard like 10 years ago (Miranda Lambert—“Kerosene,” and Carrie Underwood—“Before He Cheats”), the theme was “My low-vibrational behavior (revenge) is justified because he cheated on me!” On the surface, these themes may seem harmless, but when we are exposed to them repeatedly, these low vibrations get stuck inside of us. The yogis even have methods of removing toxins that enter us through what we see and hear.

Not to mention, a lot of advertisements convince us that we are victims because that is an effective way to make us believe we need to buy things---“Oh no, you suffer from headaches? Just buy this drug," "Oh no, you cant get all of the dust off of the floor no matter how hard you try? Well, you just need to buy this new vacuum and then you won’t have to suffer from a dirty floor ever again.”

The more we think we have to buy things in order to make us happy...the more we buy...then the more we feel we have to slave away at jobs...so we slave away at the jobs more...and we get more tired...and spend more money to “reward” ourselves for working so hard...and before we know it we are like hamsters running on a wheel...which keeps us in a loop of “not having enough time” to question our society and expand our consciousness...which keeps us not being able to see beyond the cage we have created for ourselves...which keeps us easily-controllable... You see how the cycle goes, and unfortunately advertisements are everywhere, but we can at least reduce our exposure.

As many of you know, I follow these practices to get rid of and prevent Victim Mentality myself. I started taking responsibility for absolutely everything in my life about a year ago, and if has dramatically shifted everything for me. Abusive relationships, health problems, childhood trauma including my birth trauma, remembered parallel life traumas including beheading, ancestral trauma including execution, you name it; my Higher Aspects chose it for my soul’s expansion.

In my relationships I’m held accountable. I am not allowed to blame others. I’m lovingly called out if I do, (primarily by my partner because I spend the most time with him being that I live with him), and I like it that way.

If this post triggered you, good! You have the power to alchemize that trigger to serve your greatest highest good. If you loved this post, that is also good! Regardless of your reaction, if you read this far you were meant to for a reason.

Please like, share, and comment below.

Namaste,

Pooja

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